Dear god

Dear god,

Stuff you, i am not going to let you take another boy off me,
You can NOT have him he needs to stay here with his family,
HE WILL fight this
HE WILL pull through

If you need to take someone take me, not my son.....
hell will be frozen over before i let you take him off me.....


regards sarah

ICU

ok so Deacan is in the ICU :( he is really sick, he has bronciolitis, RSV, and a very bad chest infection, they think it might be phemonia (sorry spelling isnt that good)
Deacan is ventolated
i feel so helpless....
Doctors told me there is a chance that he might not make depends on how strong his fight is

Over it

Ok so i have had enough....
Im so sick of my MIL calling my children
her boys like bloody hell she never gave birth to them she never carried them and she hasnt raised them
though every time i speak to her she always calls them "her boys"
THEY ARE NOT YOUR BOYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! they are your grandchildren
it makes me see red every time she does it
i mention it to her all the time i tell her they are her grandchildren not her boys they are Daniel and I's boys
though do you think she remembers or says sorry or anything like that?????

I dont no if she is only doing it becuase she KNOWS it pisses me off or what,
grrr makes me so angry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Does anyone read?

does anyone even read this???
Ive been putting lost of posts in though i cant tell if anyone has been reading it

Mothers day

So mothers day is just around the corner.

part of me is really looking forward to it though the other part isnt
as Daniel and i Buried bryce the day before mothers day 2 years ago, so its always a little sad, i know this will only have been the second mothers day but i guess its because the memories are still fresh



Im sorry to have been posting upsetting blogs latley I dont mean to its just the way that i can let the hurt and sadness out,

I am very greatful for what i have, i have 3 lovely boys, 2 are here with me, one is watching over me, i have a hisband that loves me and would do anything for me, so i dont know why i keep getting upset for,

What is is with people

i have niticed that some people tend to have an attitude problem, one minute they are all happy and all then the next a compleat mood change,


They always seem to be nice as pie when they are there with you and make a shit load of promises though then as soon as they leave or go somewhere everything changes


If someone tells you they are going to be there to help out or what ever why cant the stick to it, to bad if you made plans with them and turned down any other offer for the help after then the time comes and they are not there, then when you ask the others for help they are unable to do it

So So Tired

So latley i have felt flat out, i have been on the go since wednesday, its never ending all it feels like i am doing is house work, feeding deacan and looking after Jason ( jason is sick at the moment)

i havent rreally even had time to eat, though i am so tired and run down i now think i am getting sick,
Dont get me wrong its great having Deacan home though i jsut forgot what it is like to have a new born at home,

so i am still at daniels, im trying to show him that im not the same person any more that i was when we first seperated,

Though he hasnt officaly asked me to move in though we are slowly bringing stuff from my unit to his place,

Went to target the other day and done some clothes shopping for jason so he now has a good amount of winter clothes, didnt seems like we left target with much though it cost $205, i know i dont care how much i spend on the boys as their health comes first

Do not stand at my grave & weep
I am not there, I do not sleep
I am a thousand winds that blow
I am the snow on the mountain's rim
I am the laughter in children's eyes
I am the sand at the water's edge
I am the sunlight on ripen grain
I am the gentle autumn rain
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush of
quite birds in circled flight
I am the star that shines at night
Do not stand at my grave and cry
I am not there, I did not die

by unknown


Wrote out and given to me By Rhonda Chapman and Joseph Richards
For my little angle boy Bryce's 2nd birthday

What a week....

Well what a week it has been,
Where do i start???

Deacan
Deacan is now 2828g and is now taking at least 6 bottles a day **Way to go little man**
It shouldnt be to much longer before we are able to bring him home

Jason
Poor little bugger is home sick from Daycare with oral thrush, though its slowly going, also looks like we are getting another tooth, as all the signs are there again for teething, poor little guy if its not one thing its another

Daniel & I
We seem to be going really well, Im staying at Daniels for another weeks now, that will make it 2 weeks i have been staying here :) i changed my Facebook relationship status to "Married to Daniel" and he changed his to the same with me, so that would have to be a good sign to


I finally got to have my first glass of wine that i ahve had for 8 months it tasted so nice lol, oh and went staright to my head LOL,

It feels really strange being back in the house again, only because i havent been in here for so long, there are a lot of good and bad memories in this house, though i think the good out way the bad,

Well thats all i can think of at the moment, ill try and update again tomorrow

have a good one all

Things were getting better..

so i thought that things between daniel and I were getting better, as i have been staying at daniels for the past week, i was ment to go home last sunday though i recived a txt off daniel asking me if Jason and i wanted to stay for a week

though yeah things were going great, we were getting along really well and so forth, though today i recived a letter in the mail from child support, the new amount that daniel has to pay is now $89.25 per week,

now i dont know if daniel can afford that per week plus all his other expences so if he askes me to move back in how am i going to know if it is because he wants us to be a family again or because he doesnt want to pay child support???


on another note i can no longer breast feed Deacan my milk has dried up all of a sudden i tried my hardest to get it back though its just no working :(

Jason is having at least 2 weeks off day care becuase i got a phone call today from them to pick him up as he has oral thrush, the chemist said that it will take about 4 to 5 days fo rthe blisters to go away then it will take me about a week to get him into the doctor for his clearnace


Deacan needs surgery as well he has "Hypospadius" so he needs cosmetic surgery to fix it poor little bugger, any way thats it for now ill update again later,

Leaving comments

Hey guys, i just wanted to let you know that you are more than welcome to leave comments or anything on here, i have not given the link to every single person, the only people who i have given the link for this to is people that i trust

Mixed messages

i feel like i am getting mixed messages,
i stayed at daniels last night and then again tonight,
things are seeming to be going great, though when i go to talk about us, the subject/mood changes....
should i keep trying to push the subject?
should i just drop it?
should i keep trying?
I just dont know what to do any more, i really want an answer if we are going to work things out,
or should i take it how Daniel is acting as his way of saying that things are going to work out??????


On a good night went and seen Deacan again today, he now weighs 2448g, and he breast fed really well, he stayed on my right side for about 15 mins sucking away, i went to change him to my left side and he had a few sucks then wasnt interested, the nurse gave him a top up of 35ml through the NG tube, i expressed after it and i was able to get 50ml and i normaly can only get about 40ml during the day, i know he was drinking cos my breast wasnt hard afterwards, and also my left side was leaking, that usally happends when i am expressing, the first breast i put it on the other one leaks lol,

Jason is doing great to, he has his first tooth now its his bottom front right tooth, my little man is growing up so fast, i cant call him m little man any more, so maybe i should start calling him "my big boy"

thats all the updates so far, ill try to get back on later tonight and update some more

cant do it any more

i just cant do this any more..... im sick of all the crap and the not knowing.... and all the stressing over it... i have one little man who's in hospital until he gets big enough to com home, and i have another little man who is growing up so fast, they should be the ones who get all my attention.....


though my main point of focus at the moment is wondering if we still have a ffamily.... should i even keep trying??? it feels like im trying to get blood out of a stone..... how can so much in 2 years be counted as nothing.......


im ment to be up at the hospital doing breastfeeding for every feed though i cant be up there for all of them cos i have no one to watch jason.....


i never knew being a single mum was so hard,

Email to daniel

I sent this email on the 31/3/10 and still have not gotten a reply

Ok so as I said in the sms we really talk, and I'm sorry though you will prolly get shitty at this and again not reply though I need to say this



I need to know what is going on, I'm sick of everything being up in the air, this whole together thing though seperated is really playing with my head, and driving me nuts, yeah you are sick of me asking you about it, though I am sick of not know whats going on,

I have two little boys here that need me more than ever and how can I give them all the attention/support that they need when I cant even focus,

Everytime I try to talk to you about this you change subject or get all cranky, so how are we able to work our problems out unless we talk about them,

Its been nearly 6 months since we have seperated, and each day that goes by I feel like its going to be a permanent thing,

I dont feel like your wife any more Daniel, I feel more like just a booty call, or jsut something for your convenience, yeah I know you work heaps and long hours, and I was in hospital for ages,

Though you hardly talk to me any more I am the one who needs to start things off with us talking or you jsut dont say any thing, as much as I hate to say this it really feels like we are drifting away from one another and the only chance we have of being together again is fading really quickly,


Are you still confused with waht you want? Do you even want us to be together?


My biggest fear is that I am going to receive divorce papers in the mail, and if that is going to happen I would like the heads up first so its not so much of shock,

There are endless times where I jsut think what is going on, and how did we let things get like this... If the only thing stopping you saying its over compleatly is the boys, and you are worried that you wont get to see them, DONT as I have told you, you can have as much or as little time with them as you like I am not going to stop you....


Once again you are prolly not going to like what I have said in here, though I jsut cant take it not knowing what is going on and how you feel

Playing with the heart

how do you know if someone is playing with your heart? tugging on your heart strings??
How do you know if someone has a movtive behinde their actions??
I have had an awsome couple of days with Daniel here, it really felt like old times
how do i know if we will end up back together or im jsut some booty call??
He hasnt told me that he loves me is so long, maybe they are the only words that i want to hear?
Maybe if i hear those words everything will be ok again,

Have a listen to the song by kenny rodgers "buy me a rose" that song describes how i felt before daniel and i seperated, and how i feel now,

its funny how songs can explain how we are feeling more than what we can explain,

any way jsut some random writting that i needed to get off my chest

milk supply again

26/3 - 98ml 8 expresses
27/3 - 188ml 9 expresses ( gone up by 90ml)
28/3 - 230ml 7 expresses ( gone up by 42ml)
29/3 - 240ml 9 expresses ( gone up by 10ml)
30/3 - 275ml 9 expresses ( gone up by 35ml)
31/3 - 280ml 9 expresses ( gone up by 5ml)
1/4 - 320ml 10 expresses ( gone up by 40ml)