so my head has been going a million miles an hour latley and i have no idea why..
Ive been having really stupid thoughts as well....
I want to be pregnent again... i dont know why i want to as i dont want to have any more children just as of yet, though also daniel would kill me if i was to get pregnent again right now,
though yeah i just miss it, i miss that feeling you have inside you knwoing that you have a life growing there, i mis the kicking and the flutters,
I know i would bitch about it htough i really do miss it,
I cant get pregnent yet any how i have had the depo injection, and will be getting quite a few more as i really want my body to have a break and for there to be a nice age gap between the kids,
I dont know i just really miss it
Sunday, June 13, 2010
whats been going on
I'm so sorry guys i have not updated in a while, i dont know where to begin,
hmm well......
to start with dad has deacan for the weekend he has taken him up to maryborough to meet the rest of the family, i am missing him like crazy... like yeah the break has been good, though i just want to hold him.. Dad and Rhonda have taken a lot of photos so cant wait to see them,
so here is the newest photo of deacan that i have
Jason is good to, the little cutie is just about walking, and he gives real toothy grins :) its so cute he has come so far so quickly, Jason has had a hair cut again a propper one lol, and he looks like a real boy boy he is still going to daycare three times a week, woul dlike him to go more, just because he loves it there, and i find that when he is there he learns more, also we now have him saying tar, here is the newest photo of Jason that we have
So i am pissed off with my mother in law again, god she gets right under my skin... i am so sick of her saying that Deacan looks like Bryce, or Jason looks like Bryce, none of them look like Bryce, its just really upsetting.... its really hard to explain why it is, though it just is.... i have told her several times that they dont, though she keeps saying it.... i wonder if it could be just to piss me off, or cos she has to get Bryce into every convisation? like we are forgetting him so he has to be acknowledged as well??? like ANYONE is EVER going to forget him, he lives on in all of us, grrrr,
sorry i guess its just my hormones i dont know its jsut the one things that really gets me upset/angry
hmm well......
to start with dad has deacan for the weekend he has taken him up to maryborough to meet the rest of the family, i am missing him like crazy... like yeah the break has been good, though i just want to hold him.. Dad and Rhonda have taken a lot of photos so cant wait to see them,
so here is the newest photo of deacan that i have
Jason is good to, the little cutie is just about walking, and he gives real toothy grins :) its so cute he has come so far so quickly, Jason has had a hair cut again a propper one lol, and he looks like a real boy boy he is still going to daycare three times a week, woul dlike him to go more, just because he loves it there, and i find that when he is there he learns more, also we now have him saying tar, here is the newest photo of Jason that we have
So i am pissed off with my mother in law again, god she gets right under my skin... i am so sick of her saying that Deacan looks like Bryce, or Jason looks like Bryce, none of them look like Bryce, its just really upsetting.... its really hard to explain why it is, though it just is.... i have told her several times that they dont, though she keeps saying it.... i wonder if it could be just to piss me off, or cos she has to get Bryce into every convisation? like we are forgetting him so he has to be acknowledged as well??? like ANYONE is EVER going to forget him, he lives on in all of us, grrrr,
sorry i guess its just my hormones i dont know its jsut the one things that really gets me upset/angry
Monday, June 7, 2010
Daycare
Well Deacan starts daycare on friday, i only have him in for one day so far, i need him to get ued to it first so i can put him in more, so then i can return back to work
Friday, May 28, 2010
Dont know what is wrong
I have no idea what is going on with me, though i wish my body would make up its mind
with what it is doing
I seem to be tired all the time, my moods are all over the shot, smells are making me feel sick like all hell, im hungry and cant stop eating, my breasts have started to make milk again all of a sudden, and i have a massive break out like what the hell
with what it is doing
I seem to be tired all the time, my moods are all over the shot, smells are making me feel sick like all hell, im hungry and cant stop eating, my breasts have started to make milk again all of a sudden, and i have a massive break out like what the hell
3 days
well today is my third day with out a smoke, and i am feeling quite good,
there have been a few times that i have wanted to rip my patch off and have one though i really wan to do this, and i KNOW i can
its jsut going to take some work, and i am stronger, and i can beat the temptation of the nicotine
there have been a few times that i have wanted to rip my patch off and have one though i really wan to do this, and i KNOW i can
its jsut going to take some work, and i am stronger, and i can beat the temptation of the nicotine
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Followers
hey guys im not meaning to harp or anything though i was just wondering if i could get everyone who does read this to follow it half way down the right hand side,
just so i knwo who does and does not read this,
sorry dont want to be rude or anything
just so i knwo who does and does not read this,
sorry dont want to be rude or anything
Day 1
today is my first day with out a smoke,im cheating though and using patches lol
though so far so good, its already 11.54am and im not to bad had a few cravings though only when i got board or when the boys were giving me hell
though so far so good, its already 11.54am and im not to bad had a few cravings though only when i got board or when the boys were giving me hell
added more
Hey guys i ahve added more stuff to this page, if you look to the right you will see a space that has links, feel free to look around them and join,
i look at the pages all the time and compleate the surveys for cash or gift cards
also i love free samples lol
i look at the pages all the time and compleate the surveys for cash or gift cards
also i love free samples lol
Monday, May 24, 2010
Information about why we lost Bryce
Placental abruption
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Jump to:navigation, search
Placental abruption
Classification and external resources
ICD-10 O45.
ICD-9 641.2
DiseasesDB 40
MedlinePlus 000901
eMedicine med/6 emerg/12
MeSH D000037
Placental abruption (also known as abruptio placentae) is an obstetric catastrophe (complication of pregnancy), wherein the placental lining has separated from the uterus of the mother. It is the most common cause of late pregnancy bleeding. In humans, it refers to the abnormal separation after 20 weeks of gestation and prior to birth. It occurs in 1% of pregnancies world wide with a fetal mortality rate of 20-40% depending on the degree of separation. Placental abruption is also a significant contributor to maternal mortality. Many women can die from this type of abnormality.
The heart rate of the fetus can be associated with the severity.[1]
Contents
[hide]
* 1 Lasting effects
* 2 Symptoms
* 3 Pathophysiology
* 4 Risk factors
* 5 Intervention
* 6 References
* 7 External links
[edit] Lasting effects
On the mother:
* A large loss of blood or hemorrhage may require blood transfusions and intensive care after delivery. 'APH weakens, for PPH to kill'.
* The uterus may not contract properly after delivery so the mother may need medication to help her uterus contract.
* The mother may have problems with blood clotting for a few days.
* If the mother's blood does not clot (particularly during a caesarean section) and too many transfusions could put the mother into disseminated intravascular coagulation (DIC) due to increased thromboplastin, the doctor may consider a hysterectomy.
* A severe case of shock may affect other organs, such as the liver, kidney, and pituitary gland. Diffuse cortical necrosis in the kidney is a serious and often fatal complication.
* In some cases where the abruption is high up in the uterus, or is slight, there is no bleeding, though extreme pain is felt and reported.
On the baby:
* If a large amount of the placenta separates from the uterus, the baby will probably be in distress until delivery and may die in utero, thus resulting in a stillbirth.
* The baby may be premature and need to be placed in the newborn intensive care unit. He or she might have problems with breathing and feeding.
* If the baby is in distress in the uterus, he or she may have a low level of oxygen in the blood after birth.
* The newborn may have low blood pressure or a low blood count.
* If the separation is severe enough, the baby could suffer brain damage or die before or shortly after birth.
[edit] Symptoms
* contractions that don't stop (and may follow one another so rapidly as to seem continuous)
* pain in the uterus
* tenderness in the abdomen
* vaginal bleeding (sometimes)
(dark colour)
* uterus may be disproportionately enlarged
* pallor
[edit] Pathophysiology
Trauma, hypertension, or coagulopathy contributes to the avulsion of the anchoring placental villi from the expanding lower uterine segment, which in turn, leads to bleeding into the decidua basalis. This can push the placenta away from the uterus and cause further bleeding. Bleeding through the vagina, called overt or external bleeding, occurs 80% of the time, though sometimes the blood will pool behind the placenta, known as concealed or internal placental abruption.
Women may present with vaginal bleeding, abdominal or back pain, abnormal or premature contractions, fetal distress or death.
Abruptions are classified according to severity in the following manner:
* Grade 0: Asymptomatic and only diagnosed through post partum examination of the placenta.
* Grade 1: The mother may have vaginal bleeding with mild uterine tenderness or tetany, but there is no distress of mother or fetus.
* Grade 2: The mother is symptomatic but not in shock. There is some evidence of fetal distress can be found with fetal heart rate monitoring.
* Grade 3: Severe bleeding (which may be occult) leads to maternal shock and fetal death. There may be maternal disseminated intravascular coagulation. Blood may force its way through the uterine wall into the serosa, a condition known as Couvelaire uterus.
[edit] Risk factors
* Maternal hypertension is a factor in 44% of all abruptions.
* Maternal trauma, such as motor vehicle accidents, assaults, falls, or nosocomial
* Short umbilical cord
* Prolonged rupture of membranes (>24 hours)
* Retroplacental fibromyoma
* Maternal age: pregnant women who are younger than 20 or older than 35 are at greater risk.
* Previous abruption: Women who have had an abruption in previous pregnancies are at greater risk.
* some infections are also diagnosed as a cause
* cocaine intoxication [2]
* cigarette smoking[3]
The risk of placental abruption can be reduced by maintaining a good diet including taking folic acid, regular sleep patterns and correction of pregnancy-induced hypertension.
[edit] Intervention
Placental abruption is suspected when a pregnant mother has sudden localized abdominal pain with or without bleeding. The fundus may be monitored because a rising fundus can indicate bleeding. An ultrasound may be used to rule out placenta praevia but is not diagnostic for abruption. The mother may be given Rhogam if she is Rh negative.
Treatment depends on the amount of blood loss and the status of the fetus. If the fetus is less than 36 weeks and neither mother or fetus are in any distress, then they may simply be monitored in hospital until a change in condition or fetal maturity whichever comes first.
Immediate delivery of the fetus may be indicated if the fetus is mature or if the fetus or mother are in distress. Blood volume replacement and to maintain blood pressure and blood plasma replacement to maintain fibrinogen levels may be needed. Vaginal birth is usually preferred over caesarean section unless there is fetal distress. Caesarean section is contraindicated in cases of disseminated intravascular coagulation. Patient should be monitored for 7 days for PPH. Excessive bleeding from uterus may necessitate hysterectomy if family size is completed.
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Jump to:navigation, search
Placental abruption
Classification and external resources
ICD-10 O45.
ICD-9 641.2
DiseasesDB 40
MedlinePlus 000901
eMedicine med/6 emerg/12
MeSH D000037
Placental abruption (also known as abruptio placentae) is an obstetric catastrophe (complication of pregnancy), wherein the placental lining has separated from the uterus of the mother. It is the most common cause of late pregnancy bleeding. In humans, it refers to the abnormal separation after 20 weeks of gestation and prior to birth. It occurs in 1% of pregnancies world wide with a fetal mortality rate of 20-40% depending on the degree of separation. Placental abruption is also a significant contributor to maternal mortality. Many women can die from this type of abnormality.
The heart rate of the fetus can be associated with the severity.[1]
Contents
[hide]
* 1 Lasting effects
* 2 Symptoms
* 3 Pathophysiology
* 4 Risk factors
* 5 Intervention
* 6 References
* 7 External links
[edit] Lasting effects
On the mother:
* A large loss of blood or hemorrhage may require blood transfusions and intensive care after delivery. 'APH weakens, for PPH to kill'.
* The uterus may not contract properly after delivery so the mother may need medication to help her uterus contract.
* The mother may have problems with blood clotting for a few days.
* If the mother's blood does not clot (particularly during a caesarean section) and too many transfusions could put the mother into disseminated intravascular coagulation (DIC) due to increased thromboplastin, the doctor may consider a hysterectomy.
* A severe case of shock may affect other organs, such as the liver, kidney, and pituitary gland. Diffuse cortical necrosis in the kidney is a serious and often fatal complication.
* In some cases where the abruption is high up in the uterus, or is slight, there is no bleeding, though extreme pain is felt and reported.
On the baby:
* If a large amount of the placenta separates from the uterus, the baby will probably be in distress until delivery and may die in utero, thus resulting in a stillbirth.
* The baby may be premature and need to be placed in the newborn intensive care unit. He or she might have problems with breathing and feeding.
* If the baby is in distress in the uterus, he or she may have a low level of oxygen in the blood after birth.
* The newborn may have low blood pressure or a low blood count.
* If the separation is severe enough, the baby could suffer brain damage or die before or shortly after birth.
[edit] Symptoms
* contractions that don't stop (and may follow one another so rapidly as to seem continuous)
* pain in the uterus
* tenderness in the abdomen
* vaginal bleeding (sometimes)
(dark colour)
* uterus may be disproportionately enlarged
* pallor
[edit] Pathophysiology
Trauma, hypertension, or coagulopathy contributes to the avulsion of the anchoring placental villi from the expanding lower uterine segment, which in turn, leads to bleeding into the decidua basalis. This can push the placenta away from the uterus and cause further bleeding. Bleeding through the vagina, called overt or external bleeding, occurs 80% of the time, though sometimes the blood will pool behind the placenta, known as concealed or internal placental abruption.
Women may present with vaginal bleeding, abdominal or back pain, abnormal or premature contractions, fetal distress or death.
Abruptions are classified according to severity in the following manner:
* Grade 0: Asymptomatic and only diagnosed through post partum examination of the placenta.
* Grade 1: The mother may have vaginal bleeding with mild uterine tenderness or tetany, but there is no distress of mother or fetus.
* Grade 2: The mother is symptomatic but not in shock. There is some evidence of fetal distress can be found with fetal heart rate monitoring.
* Grade 3: Severe bleeding (which may be occult) leads to maternal shock and fetal death. There may be maternal disseminated intravascular coagulation. Blood may force its way through the uterine wall into the serosa, a condition known as Couvelaire uterus.
[edit] Risk factors
* Maternal hypertension is a factor in 44% of all abruptions.
* Maternal trauma, such as motor vehicle accidents, assaults, falls, or nosocomial
* Short umbilical cord
* Prolonged rupture of membranes (>24 hours)
* Retroplacental fibromyoma
* Maternal age: pregnant women who are younger than 20 or older than 35 are at greater risk.
* Previous abruption: Women who have had an abruption in previous pregnancies are at greater risk.
* some infections are also diagnosed as a cause
* cocaine intoxication [2]
* cigarette smoking[3]
The risk of placental abruption can be reduced by maintaining a good diet including taking folic acid, regular sleep patterns and correction of pregnancy-induced hypertension.
[edit] Intervention
Placental abruption is suspected when a pregnant mother has sudden localized abdominal pain with or without bleeding. The fundus may be monitored because a rising fundus can indicate bleeding. An ultrasound may be used to rule out placenta praevia but is not diagnostic for abruption. The mother may be given Rhogam if she is Rh negative.
Treatment depends on the amount of blood loss and the status of the fetus. If the fetus is less than 36 weeks and neither mother or fetus are in any distress, then they may simply be monitored in hospital until a change in condition or fetal maturity whichever comes first.
Immediate delivery of the fetus may be indicated if the fetus is mature or if the fetus or mother are in distress. Blood volume replacement and to maintain blood pressure and blood plasma replacement to maintain fibrinogen levels may be needed. Vaginal birth is usually preferred over caesarean section unless there is fetal distress. Caesarean section is contraindicated in cases of disseminated intravascular coagulation. Patient should be monitored for 7 days for PPH. Excessive bleeding from uterus may necessitate hysterectomy if family size is completed.
Leaving comments
i have been told off a few people now that they have tried to leave comments though it doesnt show up or theny just cant do it
if you would like to comment on something and it wont let you leave one
feel free to inbox me on facebook with the blog title in the subject and leave you comment there
if you would like to comment on something and it wont let you leave one
feel free to inbox me on facebook with the blog title in the subject and leave you comment there
2 months
Deacan is now 2 months old,
For a 2 month old *2 weeks corrected* he seems to have really good head control he already holds his head up and looks around,
I have to take him into the doctor soon to get his 2 month old needles, i am also going ot see the doctor about getting some boosters for myself so i dont get sick or pass anything on
For a 2 month old *2 weeks corrected* he seems to have really good head control he already holds his head up and looks around,
I have to take him into the doctor soon to get his 2 month old needles, i am also going ot see the doctor about getting some boosters for myself so i dont get sick or pass anything on
What am i doing wrong?
I just cant seem to get ahead, i feel like deacan doesnt like me or doesnt have a bond with me,
he is really moody all the time, i cant seem to settle him, though he will settle for anyone else
does he hate me? does he not want me as him mum? have i dont something wrong?
i really really try not to loose my cool with him though when he just cries and cries and cries for no reason what so ever it really gets to me,
I try everything to settle him,
i change his nappy, his outfit, give him a very warm bottle, i hold him, i burp him i play with him, i talk to him,
And yet most of the time he just wont settle,
what am i doing wrong????
He sleeps during the day when he is settled though when it comes to nihgt he is a compleatly different person, he cries grunts groans, and wont sleep and if he wont sleep he cries non stop so i cant sleep either,
i dont know if its because i am sleeps deprived or have a touch of baby blues, though i really cant handle it
his cries are now getting to me like finger nails on a chalk board,
some times i can feel i am getting that angry my hands are starting to shake, and when that happends i am not game to pick him up or go near him, does that make me a bad mum?
I really dont mean to get so angry at him,
most days i jsut want to sit and cry, as i wonder wha ti have done so wrong to him, for him to be like htis towards me
Everytime i take him out he is a little angel, i take him to my dads and he is fine doesnt play up once... so it makes me look like im making it all up...
i dont remember it being this hard with Jason, and Jason was a very demanding baby,
Poor Deacan has now made me swear off having any more children, as i know i am not going to be able to cope,
and that really upsets me as i would of possibly liked to have one more a good few years down the track though now i dont want to have any more full stop,
please tell me this is jsut a phase he is going through, and he will grow out of it...
he is really moody all the time, i cant seem to settle him, though he will settle for anyone else
does he hate me? does he not want me as him mum? have i dont something wrong?
i really really try not to loose my cool with him though when he just cries and cries and cries for no reason what so ever it really gets to me,
I try everything to settle him,
i change his nappy, his outfit, give him a very warm bottle, i hold him, i burp him i play with him, i talk to him,
And yet most of the time he just wont settle,
what am i doing wrong????
He sleeps during the day when he is settled though when it comes to nihgt he is a compleatly different person, he cries grunts groans, and wont sleep and if he wont sleep he cries non stop so i cant sleep either,
i dont know if its because i am sleeps deprived or have a touch of baby blues, though i really cant handle it
his cries are now getting to me like finger nails on a chalk board,
some times i can feel i am getting that angry my hands are starting to shake, and when that happends i am not game to pick him up or go near him, does that make me a bad mum?
I really dont mean to get so angry at him,
most days i jsut want to sit and cry, as i wonder wha ti have done so wrong to him, for him to be like htis towards me
Everytime i take him out he is a little angel, i take him to my dads and he is fine doesnt play up once... so it makes me look like im making it all up...
i dont remember it being this hard with Jason, and Jason was a very demanding baby,
Poor Deacan has now made me swear off having any more children, as i know i am not going to be able to cope,
and that really upsets me as i would of possibly liked to have one more a good few years down the track though now i dont want to have any more full stop,
please tell me this is jsut a phase he is going through, and he will grow out of it...
Sunday, May 23, 2010
What a long 2 days
these past 2 days have felt like weeks and weeks,
things are really getting me down,
I just seem to be really tired all the time,it doesnt matter how much/little sleep i get im always tired
maybe i should go to the doctor and and get all my levels checked to make sure i am not lacking anything
dont think i have gone to well in my whole mission to gain weight as with deacan being to fussy and not settleing and jason just beig on the move i have not really had time to eat as much as i normaly should have, so i guess the weight has gone down
kinda really peeved in that though, as i am really wanting to gain weight,
they has to be some easy solution in gaining weight
things are really getting me down,
I just seem to be really tired all the time,it doesnt matter how much/little sleep i get im always tired
maybe i should go to the doctor and and get all my levels checked to make sure i am not lacking anything
dont think i have gone to well in my whole mission to gain weight as with deacan being to fussy and not settleing and jason just beig on the move i have not really had time to eat as much as i normaly should have, so i guess the weight has gone down
kinda really peeved in that though, as i am really wanting to gain weight,
they has to be some easy solution in gaining weight
Friday, May 21, 2010
Not Easy
I dont see how people can tell me i am so lucky to be skinny, its not like i choose to be skinny,
I made myself like this years ago and now i have to deal with it,
Its a massive struggle, i have been battleing with Anorexia for about 5 or see years now, also when i first was diognosed with it i was also told i had belima as well, Its not like i choose to be like this any more, the first year was hard as i didnt think that i was sick so my body took a very big battering with it, though now i try and try to get my weight up and eat right and eat what ever i can though its just not working,
i hate it when people tell me i am so lucky, or what diet are you on i should try that, or im so jealouse,
jealouse of what> having your bones show? not having energy to keep up with everyone? having not that much body fat your heart misses beats?
I made myself like this years ago and now i have to deal with it,
Its a massive struggle, i have been battleing with Anorexia for about 5 or see years now, also when i first was diognosed with it i was also told i had belima as well, Its not like i choose to be like this any more, the first year was hard as i didnt think that i was sick so my body took a very big battering with it, though now i try and try to get my weight up and eat right and eat what ever i can though its just not working,
i hate it when people tell me i am so lucky, or what diet are you on i should try that, or im so jealouse,
jealouse of what> having your bones show? not having energy to keep up with everyone? having not that much body fat your heart misses beats?
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Over stepping
how do you know if a friend or family memeber have over stepped the mark?
i know there is a thin line though how do ou know if they have crossed it or not
i know there is a thin line though how do ou know if they have crossed it or not
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Spreading the love
I would like to spread the love to Jess Richardson
She has been a great friend, through out everything that i have been through, she has given me the support that i needed when we lost our son Bryce, also the support and love that was needed when our outher son Jason was born at 25 weeks and was touch and go,
You can always count of jess to brighten up your day or give you much needed advise when needed, you also know that she speaks from the heart, and you know what she says is the truth, and she tells you how it is whe it is,
Your a great firend jess and you make the world a better place just from being here
http://spreadlovetoday.blogspot.com/
She has been a great friend, through out everything that i have been through, she has given me the support that i needed when we lost our son Bryce, also the support and love that was needed when our outher son Jason was born at 25 weeks and was touch and go,
You can always count of jess to brighten up your day or give you much needed advise when needed, you also know that she speaks from the heart, and you know what she says is the truth, and she tells you how it is whe it is,
Your a great firend jess and you make the world a better place just from being here
http://spreadlovetoday.blogspot.com/
Monday, May 17, 2010
vivid dreams
the past couple of night i have been having really vivid dream, some are just really strange and other wake me up and really get me thinking,
Does anyone know wha they are ment to mean?
Does anyone know wha they are ment to mean?
Sippy Cup
I'm trying to get Jason onto a sippy cup so he will be off bottles, though i am having no luck
I have tryed different types of sippy cups, different brands etc,
though all he wants to do with them is play with them,
does anyone have any tips on how i am able to get him on sippy cups?
I have tryed different types of sippy cups, different brands etc,
though all he wants to do with them is play with them,
does anyone have any tips on how i am able to get him on sippy cups?
Weight Gain Week 1
ok so i really need to start gaining weight, as it has started to drop here is what we have to start with
Starting weight 45kgs
everyday ill post what i have had to eat as well, and once or twice a week ill post what my weight is
Starting weight 45kgs
everyday ill post what i have had to eat as well, and once or twice a week ill post what my weight is
I Wish
I WISH i knew what to say
to make all the pain just go away
I WISH i knew what was happening
before it all happend
I WISH i knew now
what i knew then
I WISH i held you for longer
instead of pushinig you away
I WISH i looked in to your eyes
and said i love you more times than i did
I WISH you were here now,
and not just in my dreams
I WISH you were here now
so you could be apart of our family even more
I WISH i had the strength
to take your brother down to meet you
I WISH i had the courage
to make every day hurt less
I WISH you was here now,
instead ill close my eyes
and see you there
to make all the pain just go away
I WISH i knew what was happening
before it all happend
I WISH i knew now
what i knew then
I WISH i held you for longer
instead of pushinig you away
I WISH i looked in to your eyes
and said i love you more times than i did
I WISH you were here now,
and not just in my dreams
I WISH you were here now
so you could be apart of our family even more
I WISH i had the strength
to take your brother down to meet you
I WISH i had the courage
to make every day hurt less
I WISH you was here now,
instead ill close my eyes
and see you there
How long to greive?
What is the time limit on greiving?
Is there such a thing?
What happends if your not ready to let that person go?
I am over people saying that i should just let my son rest in peace, or that i should move on, or come to terms with it,
what happends if i dont want to?
What if i want to share his memory with other mums or dad that have lost loved ones? just because my son passed away doesnt me i cant talk about him,
i dont want to forget him
i dont want other people to forget him :(
I like to talk about him, Bryce is apart of me, and also he has gone and taken a piece of me with him doesnt mean i have to stop talking about him or sharing his memory,
It has only been just over 2 years since he was taken away, im not ready to let go, i have come to terms with it and that there is nothing i can do to change the situation, though im not letting go, and i will always talk about him
Is there such a thing?
What happends if your not ready to let that person go?
I am over people saying that i should just let my son rest in peace, or that i should move on, or come to terms with it,
what happends if i dont want to?
What if i want to share his memory with other mums or dad that have lost loved ones? just because my son passed away doesnt me i cant talk about him,
i dont want to forget him
i dont want other people to forget him :(
I like to talk about him, Bryce is apart of me, and also he has gone and taken a piece of me with him doesnt mean i have to stop talking about him or sharing his memory,
It has only been just over 2 years since he was taken away, im not ready to let go, i have come to terms with it and that there is nothing i can do to change the situation, though im not letting go, and i will always talk about him
Sunday, May 16, 2010
What to do?
Im so lost with what to do,
im just so tired all the time i cant keep up to the boys, Deacan is having problems sleeping and i have no idea why, and Jason is jsut so full of energy,
I really feel like i am running on empty, everything is really taking its tolls,
Daniel has been great, he has also been very understanding and he is helping out a lot, even if its just feeding Deacan once during the day/night so i can have a break or a sleep, he is also helping around the house a lot more to and its good cos im not the one who has to do everything,
I have been trying to do everything to show daniel that i have changed and that i can keep up to all the house work, though im just not finding the energy, im tired all the time, im loosing more weight, as i am busy looking after the kids and just forget to eat,
I need to start getting my weight up againj so every day i am going to do a food diary now, and weigh myself either once or twice a week as well,
im just so tired all the time i cant keep up to the boys, Deacan is having problems sleeping and i have no idea why, and Jason is jsut so full of energy,
I really feel like i am running on empty, everything is really taking its tolls,
Daniel has been great, he has also been very understanding and he is helping out a lot, even if its just feeding Deacan once during the day/night so i can have a break or a sleep, he is also helping around the house a lot more to and its good cos im not the one who has to do everything,
I have been trying to do everything to show daniel that i have changed and that i can keep up to all the house work, though im just not finding the energy, im tired all the time, im loosing more weight, as i am busy looking after the kids and just forget to eat,
I need to start getting my weight up againj so every day i am going to do a food diary now, and weigh myself either once or twice a week as well,
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Bitten of more than i can chew???
Things jsut dont seem as easy as i thought they were going to be...
I'm finding it very hard to find the time to do anything these days, let alone the energy to keep up,
It seems like i am forever doing house work it never ends, there is atleast 1 load of washing to do everyday sometimes up to 3, also with ribbish making sure the house is empy of rubbish, i am doing bottles twices a day (cleaning and steralizing) sometimes i have to do them 3 times a day depending on how much deacan wants to drink,
Also trying to keep it all tidy, and making sure there is nothing on the ground that Jason can get his hands on, and then got to try and find time to unpack,
i get stuck into the house work though once i have done a lot you cant even tell i have done anything at all,
then dependig on the night i have had with boys will depend on how much i will do, if i have had a bad night i dont do to much just the dishers and the bottles, then try and do little bits and pieces when i can and when both of them are napping i try to have one as well, thugh if they have given me a good night i get stuck right into it,
Its jsut never ending,
I dont have time to do anything any more, i dont even have time to scratch my butt let alone having a life, like dont get me wrong i love both my both to pieces and wouldnt give them up for anything or change anything, just sometimes it would be good to have some "me " time even if its only to have a bubble bath or to go for a walk or jsut something,
I have noticed that they dont class being a house wife or a stay at home mum a job, they really need to, as being a mum is a 24/7 job, its never ending, not even when they are sleeping as then either you are listening to them to make sure they are ok, or you are catching up on cleaning
My hat really goes off to mums who look after their children then also hold down a job, i dont think i could go back to work right at the moment as i am just to tired, though i will be returning back once i feel right placing deacan in day care, though at the moment he is just a little bit to young/small to,
I'm finding it very hard to find the time to do anything these days, let alone the energy to keep up,
It seems like i am forever doing house work it never ends, there is atleast 1 load of washing to do everyday sometimes up to 3, also with ribbish making sure the house is empy of rubbish, i am doing bottles twices a day (cleaning and steralizing) sometimes i have to do them 3 times a day depending on how much deacan wants to drink,
Also trying to keep it all tidy, and making sure there is nothing on the ground that Jason can get his hands on, and then got to try and find time to unpack,
i get stuck into the house work though once i have done a lot you cant even tell i have done anything at all,
then dependig on the night i have had with boys will depend on how much i will do, if i have had a bad night i dont do to much just the dishers and the bottles, then try and do little bits and pieces when i can and when both of them are napping i try to have one as well, thugh if they have given me a good night i get stuck right into it,
Its jsut never ending,
I dont have time to do anything any more, i dont even have time to scratch my butt let alone having a life, like dont get me wrong i love both my both to pieces and wouldnt give them up for anything or change anything, just sometimes it would be good to have some "me " time even if its only to have a bubble bath or to go for a walk or jsut something,
I have noticed that they dont class being a house wife or a stay at home mum a job, they really need to, as being a mum is a 24/7 job, its never ending, not even when they are sleeping as then either you are listening to them to make sure they are ok, or you are catching up on cleaning
My hat really goes off to mums who look after their children then also hold down a job, i dont think i could go back to work right at the moment as i am just to tired, though i will be returning back once i feel right placing deacan in day care, though at the moment he is just a little bit to young/small to,
Monday, May 10, 2010
Worried about my nan
OK so i am really worried about my nan, i know that she is sick though she wont say just how sick, Nan is the type of person that would do anything for anyone with out asking for anyone in return, also is always busy helping out others,
She had a whole heap of tests done at the doctors, and they have called her back as by the looks of it something has shown up,
i REALLY hope that there is nothing wrong and they are just calling her back to say one of her vitamin levels are low
She had a whole heap of tests done at the doctors, and they have called her back as by the looks of it something has shown up,
i REALLY hope that there is nothing wrong and they are just calling her back to say one of her vitamin levels are low
My blog is my blog
This space is mine and mine alone, i don't see why i should have to justify what i write in here or censor it, I write in here what is on my mind when it is and how it is, if people don't like it then don't read it,
this space is my way of clearing my head, I'm not writing it to entertain anyone, this is a place where i can get things off my chest, write down my hopes and dreams, my let down and my feelings, also a place where i can keep track of what is going on,
this space is my way of clearing my head, I'm not writing it to entertain anyone, this is a place where i can get things off my chest, write down my hopes and dreams, my let down and my feelings, also a place where i can keep track of what is going on,
Gadgets
I need to add more gadgets onto here though im not to sure how to, i want to add tickers for all boys and daniel and I though im not to sure how it will look, or what to add i want to change it all around so it doesnt look boring I guess ill play around with it and add more when and where i can :)
Not a good night
Well we didnt have a good night last night, both boys finaly went to slep with out a problem, though kept waking up during hte night,
Deacan woke up at 12.30, then 3.30 and didnt go back down till 4, Jason woke up a few times during the night, though at 4am he woke up screaming so i took him in a new bottle he settled down, then the alarm went off at 6am and jason started again
Daniel said that he would take his bottles that were in his bed, im guessing they are just cold
though Jason now has a snotty nose and a pretty bad cough, so we are putting it down to teething plus his top gum is all swollen, i know that he is getting his 2 top teeth at once, so i have ben putting bonjela on them and also keeping up with nurifen,
Deacan woke up at 12.30, then 3.30 and didnt go back down till 4, Jason woke up a few times during the night, though at 4am he woke up screaming so i took him in a new bottle he settled down, then the alarm went off at 6am and jason started again
Daniel said that he would take his bottles that were in his bed, im guessing they are just cold
though Jason now has a snotty nose and a pretty bad cough, so we are putting it down to teething plus his top gum is all swollen, i know that he is getting his 2 top teeth at once, so i have ben putting bonjela on them and also keeping up with nurifen,
Sunday, May 9, 2010
The nerve of some people
Im just so over people, the nerve of them,
im over people who DONT have children, have never cared for children try and tell me how to raise mine, or what i should be doing with my kids, or how my time should be spent, like bloody hell what would you know, like telling me if i was really looking after my children i would have time to do anything, um... last time i checked kids to have naps during the day ( not all kids though mine do) and also i can do stuff (House work) while they are up i dont have to have my eyes on them 24/7
incase anyone is wondering no its not directed at any of my friends. that read this its aimed at someone else, just becuase my dad wrote a poem on my nans facebook page, like i have to admitte its not the best one i have ever heard thoguh he really tried with it, though yet someone had to post some uptight, nasty comment on it really shooting my dad down, so i stood up for my dad and said that his poem was really thoughtful then he sharted with his shit, mind you this is all on my nans facebook page, cutting a long story short i told him if he wanted to continue the argument to do it to my inbox as my nan didnt need to read this crap, so then he sent a very nasty email i have coppied and posted it below though i have taken out the names
May 6 at 6:22pm Report
Where the fuck do you get off Sarah, I think you are a very self centred self rightous scum of the earth welfare sucking bitch, every time I say something you have to say something stupid , as far as you working on looking after you house, its a joke , I can safely say that if you look around yourself, maybe go into your kitchen and look around, I will bet the garbage is piling up and the washing wouldnt be done unless Danial had done it. I know You will deny it , you looking after the kids would have taken all day but honestly we both know. dont we. Be honest with your self if noone else
Sarah Maree Atkinson May 6 at 6:35pm
right..... if you think so, tell me this how can i work with a new born baby? a new born baby needs looking after, what you said on dads post to nan was bloody nasty if anything there was no need to shoot him down like you did, it was sweet with what he wrote, he was trying to do something nice for nan as she is quite sick, or didnt you think of that, and with the fucking house work what the hell would you know, washing isnt building up and there isnt rubbish all over the place, so where the fuck do you get off? and looking after the kids doesnt take all day thankyou they have naps during the day and i can still do stuff when they are up, so before you start joring your mouth off get your fucking facts straight, and i am a welfair sucking bitch answer me this, how the fuck am i able to pay rent, raise a child and now children when i do not work and i am by myself? the only reason i am on "welfair" is because my kids need to eat, so why dont you get off your high fucking hore and jsut grow up
im over people who DONT have children, have never cared for children try and tell me how to raise mine, or what i should be doing with my kids, or how my time should be spent, like bloody hell what would you know, like telling me if i was really looking after my children i would have time to do anything, um... last time i checked kids to have naps during the day ( not all kids though mine do) and also i can do stuff (House work) while they are up i dont have to have my eyes on them 24/7
incase anyone is wondering no its not directed at any of my friends. that read this its aimed at someone else, just becuase my dad wrote a poem on my nans facebook page, like i have to admitte its not the best one i have ever heard thoguh he really tried with it, though yet someone had to post some uptight, nasty comment on it really shooting my dad down, so i stood up for my dad and said that his poem was really thoughtful then he sharted with his shit, mind you this is all on my nans facebook page, cutting a long story short i told him if he wanted to continue the argument to do it to my inbox as my nan didnt need to read this crap, so then he sent a very nasty email i have coppied and posted it below though i have taken out the names
May 6 at 6:22pm Report
Where the fuck do you get off Sarah, I think you are a very self centred self rightous scum of the earth welfare sucking bitch, every time I say something you have to say something stupid , as far as you working on looking after you house, its a joke , I can safely say that if you look around yourself, maybe go into your kitchen and look around, I will bet the garbage is piling up and the washing wouldnt be done unless Danial had done it. I know You will deny it , you looking after the kids would have taken all day but honestly we both know. dont we. Be honest with your self if noone else
Sarah Maree Atkinson May 6 at 6:35pm
right..... if you think so, tell me this how can i work with a new born baby? a new born baby needs looking after, what you said on dads post to nan was bloody nasty if anything there was no need to shoot him down like you did, it was sweet with what he wrote, he was trying to do something nice for nan as she is quite sick, or didnt you think of that, and with the fucking house work what the hell would you know, washing isnt building up and there isnt rubbish all over the place, so where the fuck do you get off? and looking after the kids doesnt take all day thankyou they have naps during the day and i can still do stuff when they are up, so before you start joring your mouth off get your fucking facts straight, and i am a welfair sucking bitch answer me this, how the fuck am i able to pay rent, raise a child and now children when i do not work and i am by myself? the only reason i am on "welfair" is because my kids need to eat, so why dont you get off your high fucking hore and jsut grow up
like bloody hell where does ....... get off,
oh i would also like to thank everyone who asked for updates on deacan as well it really ment alot to daniel and i,
im quite pissed off with my mother at the moment, for one she is compleatly ignoring me, secodnly she never once asked me for an update on deacan even once i told her it was touch and go and that there was a very good chance we could loose him, now she isnt answering any sms messages i am sending her, nor phones calls, or anyhting on facebook that i am sending her,
im so over all this shit i dont need it in my life,
from now on ANYONE who is going to be like this can just stuff off, i no longer need this shit in my life any more, my husband and children are the most important things in my life at the moment and if that doesnt suit anyone then theres the door feel free to use it
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Kym
a close friend of mine has pass away her name was Kym, she has only just turned 27, she has 4 children ranging from 5 to 1 month old
Kym had a stroke about 2 weeks ago due to surgery, she had a blood clot that was 15 cm long that went from her right overay to her liver, and a piece of that had broken off and went to her brain, 6 days ago they turned off all of her life support, she lasted 5 days all on her own, even though her breathing was shallow though Kym being Kym had to do things in her own time not the doctors,
SHe was a really good friend and will be dearly missed
Rest in peace kym, spread your wings and sore over us all, may you watch down over your family and keep them safe
you will be forever loved and deeply missed
Kym had a stroke about 2 weeks ago due to surgery, she had a blood clot that was 15 cm long that went from her right overay to her liver, and a piece of that had broken off and went to her brain, 6 days ago they turned off all of her life support, she lasted 5 days all on her own, even though her breathing was shallow though Kym being Kym had to do things in her own time not the doctors,
SHe was a really good friend and will be dearly missed
Rest in peace kym, spread your wings and sore over us all, may you watch down over your family and keep them safe
you will be forever loved and deeply missed
Mothers Day
Happy Mothers Day
I just wanted to say Happy mothers day to all you mums out there, i hope your children spoil the hell out of you, and if you dont have children there with you, i hope they shine down from above and brighten up you day and fill it with warmth :)
I just wanted to say Happy mothers day to all you mums out there, i hope your children spoil the hell out of you, and if you dont have children there with you, i hope they shine down from above and brighten up you day and fill it with warmth :)
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Feeling let down and bad
i just dont feel myself latley
to much is going on and i just cant keep a handle on it,
i cant seem to keep up with all the house work, part of the reason is i am jsut so tired all the time i can barley keep my eyes open,
im stressed off my tree, with Deacan being in hospital like yeah he is getting alot better, he is now up on the ward andon 3 hourly feeds, they will be starting to do oral feeds again sometime today and they said hopefully we should be able to bring him home by the weekend
Im trying to clean out the unit and move everything though jsut cant seem to get motivated to do as there is alot to move and pack and only have a week realy to do it in as i cant do anything when i jave jason home from daycare
with the illness that the boys have had they have given it to both daniel and I, daniel has seem to of come right though i jsut cant seem to shake it i have really bad sinus headackes my jaw hurts and when ever something cold hits me my whole body hurts
i feel like i am letting daniel down as a wife as im not keeping up with the house work, i havent cooked tea the past couple of night daniel has, tea should be on cooking when daniel gets home its not fair that he works a hard 8 to 10 hour day then has to cook and so forth, and i have been that tired and sore and everything im just not up for naughty time now,
Im worried about my firend Kym that is only just hanging on, i dont want to loose her, i feel so much pain and hurt for her family and just dont know what to say to them
everything just feels so much at the moment it feels like i have the whole world on my shoulders, i know there is so many more people out there worst off than me, though all i want to do at the moment is cry and curl up in a black hole,
Jason is just constantly on the move now he is getting into everything and trashing everything he touches, i know its part of having kids lol thouh i just cant seem to keep up with him any more
i dont know whats gotten into me i guess i just needed to have a windge
to much is going on and i just cant keep a handle on it,
i cant seem to keep up with all the house work, part of the reason is i am jsut so tired all the time i can barley keep my eyes open,
im stressed off my tree, with Deacan being in hospital like yeah he is getting alot better, he is now up on the ward andon 3 hourly feeds, they will be starting to do oral feeds again sometime today and they said hopefully we should be able to bring him home by the weekend
Im trying to clean out the unit and move everything though jsut cant seem to get motivated to do as there is alot to move and pack and only have a week realy to do it in as i cant do anything when i jave jason home from daycare
with the illness that the boys have had they have given it to both daniel and I, daniel has seem to of come right though i jsut cant seem to shake it i have really bad sinus headackes my jaw hurts and when ever something cold hits me my whole body hurts
i feel like i am letting daniel down as a wife as im not keeping up with the house work, i havent cooked tea the past couple of night daniel has, tea should be on cooking when daniel gets home its not fair that he works a hard 8 to 10 hour day then has to cook and so forth, and i have been that tired and sore and everything im just not up for naughty time now,
Im worried about my firend Kym that is only just hanging on, i dont want to loose her, i feel so much pain and hurt for her family and just dont know what to say to them
everything just feels so much at the moment it feels like i have the whole world on my shoulders, i know there is so many more people out there worst off than me, though all i want to do at the moment is cry and curl up in a black hole,
Jason is just constantly on the move now he is getting into everything and trashing everything he touches, i know its part of having kids lol thouh i just cant seem to keep up with him any more
i dont know whats gotten into me i guess i just needed to have a windge
so the bleeding is at lot worser today :( and very painful,
going to take some pain killers for it think today
daniel didnt say to much last night when he got home from work, i know he was in shock as well as we both thought how could this of happend also so soon after the birth of Deacan and from only doing the dirty 3 times in jsut under 2 months.....
going to take some pain killers for it think today
daniel didnt say to much last night when he got home from work, i know he was in shock as well as we both thought how could this of happend also so soon after the birth of Deacan and from only doing the dirty 3 times in jsut under 2 months.....
Why???
Why am i finding this so hard to deal with?
why is it hurting me for?
I didnt even know i was pregnent, like i thought something was up as my last period was only a very light bleed that didnt even last for a day then i spotted for 2 days after, i started to get some pretty bad cramps today and started spotting like 2 days ago, and im not due for my next period for about like 2 weeks so i went a brought a test i dont knwo what made me think to buy it as daniel and i hae been careful, and yeah when i went to do the test my pad was full of blood and there was a good sized clott in it, so i thought why not jsut do the test any way and there was a faint line there.......
so im guessing i was pregnent though i have misscarried.....
we wasnt even trying for another baby and to be quite honest i dont want to have any more kids i am blessed with my 3 boys....
so why am i finding thi is hurting me for???
why is it hurting me for?
I didnt even know i was pregnent, like i thought something was up as my last period was only a very light bleed that didnt even last for a day then i spotted for 2 days after, i started to get some pretty bad cramps today and started spotting like 2 days ago, and im not due for my next period for about like 2 weeks so i went a brought a test i dont knwo what made me think to buy it as daniel and i hae been careful, and yeah when i went to do the test my pad was full of blood and there was a good sized clott in it, so i thought why not jsut do the test any way and there was a faint line there.......
so im guessing i was pregnent though i have misscarried.....
we wasnt even trying for another baby and to be quite honest i dont want to have any more kids i am blessed with my 3 boys....
so why am i finding thi is hurting me for???
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Monday, May 3, 2010
Things have been hectick
So things have been very hectick for us
first off
Deacan
He is still in hospital, still very sick, they gave him a blood transfusion yesterday and so far so good, they are planning on taking him off the ventolator sometime today, he has been on the ventolator since friday, i am hoping to hell he doesnt get any lung damage from it, they said that there is a chance that he will get damage from it.... his infection seems to be clearing now, though its still up to him when he wants to get better below is a photo that was taken friday night
Jason
Jason is just coming along in leaps and bounds, we are so proud of him :) his talking is getting alot better, also now he is very mobile he doesnt quite crawl crawl at the moment though he commando styles every where also it isnt going to be long now before he is walking :)
Jason now sits him self up as well also
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Dear god
Dear god,
Stuff you, i am not going to let you take another boy off me,
You can NOT have him he needs to stay here with his family,
HE WILL fight this
HE WILL pull through
If you need to take someone take me, not my son.....
hell will be frozen over before i let you take him off me.....
regards sarah
Stuff you, i am not going to let you take another boy off me,
You can NOT have him he needs to stay here with his family,
HE WILL fight this
HE WILL pull through
If you need to take someone take me, not my son.....
hell will be frozen over before i let you take him off me.....
regards sarah
ICU
ok so Deacan is in the ICU :( he is really sick, he has bronciolitis, RSV, and a very bad chest infection, they think it might be phemonia (sorry spelling isnt that good)
Deacan is ventolated
i feel so helpless....
Doctors told me there is a chance that he might not make depends on how strong his fight is
Deacan is ventolated
i feel so helpless....
Doctors told me there is a chance that he might not make depends on how strong his fight is
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Over it
Ok so i have had enough....
Im so sick of my MIL calling my children
her boys like bloody hell she never gave birth to them she never carried them and she hasnt raised them
though every time i speak to her she always calls them "her boys"
THEY ARE NOT YOUR BOYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! they are your grandchildren
it makes me see red every time she does it
i mention it to her all the time i tell her they are her grandchildren not her boys they are Daniel and I's boys
though do you think she remembers or says sorry or anything like that?????
I dont no if she is only doing it becuase she KNOWS it pisses me off or what,
grrr makes me so angry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Im so sick of my MIL calling my children
her boys like bloody hell she never gave birth to them she never carried them and she hasnt raised them
though every time i speak to her she always calls them "her boys"
THEY ARE NOT YOUR BOYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! they are your grandchildren
it makes me see red every time she does it
i mention it to her all the time i tell her they are her grandchildren not her boys they are Daniel and I's boys
though do you think she remembers or says sorry or anything like that?????
I dont no if she is only doing it becuase she KNOWS it pisses me off or what,
grrr makes me so angry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Monday, April 26, 2010
Does anyone read?
does anyone even read this???
Ive been putting lost of posts in though i cant tell if anyone has been reading it
Ive been putting lost of posts in though i cant tell if anyone has been reading it
Mothers day
So mothers day is just around the corner.
part of me is really looking forward to it though the other part isnt
as Daniel and i Buried bryce the day before mothers day 2 years ago, so its always a little sad, i know this will only have been the second mothers day but i guess its because the memories are still fresh
Im sorry to have been posting upsetting blogs latley I dont mean to its just the way that i can let the hurt and sadness out,
I am very greatful for what i have, i have 3 lovely boys, 2 are here with me, one is watching over me, i have a hisband that loves me and would do anything for me, so i dont know why i keep getting upset for,
part of me is really looking forward to it though the other part isnt
as Daniel and i Buried bryce the day before mothers day 2 years ago, so its always a little sad, i know this will only have been the second mothers day but i guess its because the memories are still fresh
Im sorry to have been posting upsetting blogs latley I dont mean to its just the way that i can let the hurt and sadness out,
I am very greatful for what i have, i have 3 lovely boys, 2 are here with me, one is watching over me, i have a hisband that loves me and would do anything for me, so i dont know why i keep getting upset for,
Sunday, April 25, 2010
What is is with people
i have niticed that some people tend to have an attitude problem, one minute they are all happy and all then the next a compleat mood change,
They always seem to be nice as pie when they are there with you and make a shit load of promises though then as soon as they leave or go somewhere everything changes
If someone tells you they are going to be there to help out or what ever why cant the stick to it, to bad if you made plans with them and turned down any other offer for the help after then the time comes and they are not there, then when you ask the others for help they are unable to do it
They always seem to be nice as pie when they are there with you and make a shit load of promises though then as soon as they leave or go somewhere everything changes
If someone tells you they are going to be there to help out or what ever why cant the stick to it, to bad if you made plans with them and turned down any other offer for the help after then the time comes and they are not there, then when you ask the others for help they are unable to do it
So So Tired
So latley i have felt flat out, i have been on the go since wednesday, its never ending all it feels like i am doing is house work, feeding deacan and looking after Jason ( jason is sick at the moment)
i havent rreally even had time to eat, though i am so tired and run down i now think i am getting sick,
Dont get me wrong its great having Deacan home though i jsut forgot what it is like to have a new born at home,
so i am still at daniels, im trying to show him that im not the same person any more that i was when we first seperated,
Though he hasnt officaly asked me to move in though we are slowly bringing stuff from my unit to his place,
Went to target the other day and done some clothes shopping for jason so he now has a good amount of winter clothes, didnt seems like we left target with much though it cost $205, i know i dont care how much i spend on the boys as their health comes first
i havent rreally even had time to eat, though i am so tired and run down i now think i am getting sick,
Dont get me wrong its great having Deacan home though i jsut forgot what it is like to have a new born at home,
so i am still at daniels, im trying to show him that im not the same person any more that i was when we first seperated,
Though he hasnt officaly asked me to move in though we are slowly bringing stuff from my unit to his place,
Went to target the other day and done some clothes shopping for jason so he now has a good amount of winter clothes, didnt seems like we left target with much though it cost $205, i know i dont care how much i spend on the boys as their health comes first
Do not stand at my grave & weep
I am not there, I do not sleep
I am a thousand winds that blow
I am the snow on the mountain's rim
I am the laughter in children's eyes
I am the sand at the water's edge
I am the sunlight on ripen grain
I am the gentle autumn rain
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush of
quite birds in circled flight
I am the star that shines at night
Do not stand at my grave and cry
I am not there, I did not die
by unknown
Wrote out and given to me By Rhonda Chapman and Joseph Richards
For my little angle boy Bryce's 2nd birthday
Sunday, April 18, 2010
What a week....
Well what a week it has been,
Where do i start???
Deacan
Deacan is now 2828g and is now taking at least 6 bottles a day **Way to go little man**
It shouldnt be to much longer before we are able to bring him home
Jason
Poor little bugger is home sick from Daycare with oral thrush, though its slowly going, also looks like we are getting another tooth, as all the signs are there again for teething, poor little guy if its not one thing its another
Daniel & I
We seem to be going really well, Im staying at Daniels for another weeks now, that will make it 2 weeks i have been staying here :) i changed my Facebook relationship status to "Married to Daniel" and he changed his to the same with me, so that would have to be a good sign to
I finally got to have my first glass of wine that i ahve had for 8 months it tasted so nice lol, oh and went staright to my head LOL,
It feels really strange being back in the house again, only because i havent been in here for so long, there are a lot of good and bad memories in this house, though i think the good out way the bad,
Well thats all i can think of at the moment, ill try and update again tomorrow
have a good one all
Where do i start???
Deacan
Deacan is now 2828g and is now taking at least 6 bottles a day **Way to go little man**
It shouldnt be to much longer before we are able to bring him home
Jason
Poor little bugger is home sick from Daycare with oral thrush, though its slowly going, also looks like we are getting another tooth, as all the signs are there again for teething, poor little guy if its not one thing its another
Daniel & I
We seem to be going really well, Im staying at Daniels for another weeks now, that will make it 2 weeks i have been staying here :) i changed my Facebook relationship status to "Married to Daniel" and he changed his to the same with me, so that would have to be a good sign to
I finally got to have my first glass of wine that i ahve had for 8 months it tasted so nice lol, oh and went staright to my head LOL,
It feels really strange being back in the house again, only because i havent been in here for so long, there are a lot of good and bad memories in this house, though i think the good out way the bad,
Well thats all i can think of at the moment, ill try and update again tomorrow
have a good one all
Friday, April 16, 2010
Things were getting better..
so i thought that things between daniel and I were getting better, as i have been staying at daniels for the past week, i was ment to go home last sunday though i recived a txt off daniel asking me if Jason and i wanted to stay for a week
though yeah things were going great, we were getting along really well and so forth, though today i recived a letter in the mail from child support, the new amount that daniel has to pay is now $89.25 per week,
now i dont know if daniel can afford that per week plus all his other expences so if he askes me to move back in how am i going to know if it is because he wants us to be a family again or because he doesnt want to pay child support???
on another note i can no longer breast feed Deacan my milk has dried up all of a sudden i tried my hardest to get it back though its just no working :(
Jason is having at least 2 weeks off day care becuase i got a phone call today from them to pick him up as he has oral thrush, the chemist said that it will take about 4 to 5 days fo rthe blisters to go away then it will take me about a week to get him into the doctor for his clearnace
Deacan needs surgery as well he has "Hypospadius" so he needs cosmetic surgery to fix it poor little bugger, any way thats it for now ill update again later,
though yeah things were going great, we were getting along really well and so forth, though today i recived a letter in the mail from child support, the new amount that daniel has to pay is now $89.25 per week,
now i dont know if daniel can afford that per week plus all his other expences so if he askes me to move back in how am i going to know if it is because he wants us to be a family again or because he doesnt want to pay child support???
on another note i can no longer breast feed Deacan my milk has dried up all of a sudden i tried my hardest to get it back though its just no working :(
Jason is having at least 2 weeks off day care becuase i got a phone call today from them to pick him up as he has oral thrush, the chemist said that it will take about 4 to 5 days fo rthe blisters to go away then it will take me about a week to get him into the doctor for his clearnace
Deacan needs surgery as well he has "Hypospadius" so he needs cosmetic surgery to fix it poor little bugger, any way thats it for now ill update again later,
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Leaving comments
Hey guys, i just wanted to let you know that you are more than welcome to leave comments or anything on here, i have not given the link to every single person, the only people who i have given the link for this to is people that i trust
Mixed messages
i feel like i am getting mixed messages,
i stayed at daniels last night and then again tonight,
things are seeming to be going great, though when i go to talk about us, the subject/mood changes....
should i keep trying to push the subject?
should i just drop it?
should i keep trying?
I just dont know what to do any more, i really want an answer if we are going to work things out,
or should i take it how Daniel is acting as his way of saying that things are going to work out??????
On a good night went and seen Deacan again today, he now weighs 2448g, and he breast fed really well, he stayed on my right side for about 15 mins sucking away, i went to change him to my left side and he had a few sucks then wasnt interested, the nurse gave him a top up of 35ml through the NG tube, i expressed after it and i was able to get 50ml and i normaly can only get about 40ml during the day, i know he was drinking cos my breast wasnt hard afterwards, and also my left side was leaking, that usally happends when i am expressing, the first breast i put it on the other one leaks lol,
Jason is doing great to, he has his first tooth now its his bottom front right tooth, my little man is growing up so fast, i cant call him m little man any more, so maybe i should start calling him "my big boy"
thats all the updates so far, ill try to get back on later tonight and update some more
i stayed at daniels last night and then again tonight,
things are seeming to be going great, though when i go to talk about us, the subject/mood changes....
should i keep trying to push the subject?
should i just drop it?
should i keep trying?
I just dont know what to do any more, i really want an answer if we are going to work things out,
or should i take it how Daniel is acting as his way of saying that things are going to work out??????
On a good night went and seen Deacan again today, he now weighs 2448g, and he breast fed really well, he stayed on my right side for about 15 mins sucking away, i went to change him to my left side and he had a few sucks then wasnt interested, the nurse gave him a top up of 35ml through the NG tube, i expressed after it and i was able to get 50ml and i normaly can only get about 40ml during the day, i know he was drinking cos my breast wasnt hard afterwards, and also my left side was leaking, that usally happends when i am expressing, the first breast i put it on the other one leaks lol,
Jason is doing great to, he has his first tooth now its his bottom front right tooth, my little man is growing up so fast, i cant call him m little man any more, so maybe i should start calling him "my big boy"
thats all the updates so far, ill try to get back on later tonight and update some more
Thursday, April 8, 2010
cant do it any more
i just cant do this any more..... im sick of all the crap and the not knowing.... and all the stressing over it... i have one little man who's in hospital until he gets big enough to com home, and i have another little man who is growing up so fast, they should be the ones who get all my attention.....
though my main point of focus at the moment is wondering if we still have a ffamily.... should i even keep trying??? it feels like im trying to get blood out of a stone..... how can so much in 2 years be counted as nothing.......
im ment to be up at the hospital doing breastfeeding for every feed though i cant be up there for all of them cos i have no one to watch jason.....
i never knew being a single mum was so hard,
though my main point of focus at the moment is wondering if we still have a ffamily.... should i even keep trying??? it feels like im trying to get blood out of a stone..... how can so much in 2 years be counted as nothing.......
im ment to be up at the hospital doing breastfeeding for every feed though i cant be up there for all of them cos i have no one to watch jason.....
i never knew being a single mum was so hard,
Email to daniel
I sent this email on the 31/3/10 and still have not gotten a reply
Ok so as I said in the sms we really talk, and I'm sorry though you will prolly get shitty at this and again not reply though I need to say this
I need to know what is going on, I'm sick of everything being up in the air, this whole together thing though seperated is really playing with my head, and driving me nuts, yeah you are sick of me asking you about it, though I am sick of not know whats going on,
I have two little boys here that need me more than ever and how can I give them all the attention/support that they need when I cant even focus,
Everytime I try to talk to you about this you change subject or get all cranky, so how are we able to work our problems out unless we talk about them,
Its been nearly 6 months since we have seperated, and each day that goes by I feel like its going to be a permanent thing,
I dont feel like your wife any more Daniel, I feel more like just a booty call, or jsut something for your convenience, yeah I know you work heaps and long hours, and I was in hospital for ages,
Though you hardly talk to me any more I am the one who needs to start things off with us talking or you jsut dont say any thing, as much as I hate to say this it really feels like we are drifting away from one another and the only chance we have of being together again is fading really quickly,
Are you still confused with waht you want? Do you even want us to be together?
My biggest fear is that I am going to receive divorce papers in the mail, and if that is going to happen I would like the heads up first so its not so much of shock,
There are endless times where I jsut think what is going on, and how did we let things get like this... If the only thing stopping you saying its over compleatly is the boys, and you are worried that you wont get to see them, DONT as I have told you, you can have as much or as little time with them as you like I am not going to stop you....
Once again you are prolly not going to like what I have said in here, though I jsut cant take it not knowing what is going on and how you feel
Ok so as I said in the sms we really talk, and I'm sorry though you will prolly get shitty at this and again not reply though I need to say this
I need to know what is going on, I'm sick of everything being up in the air, this whole together thing though seperated is really playing with my head, and driving me nuts, yeah you are sick of me asking you about it, though I am sick of not know whats going on,
I have two little boys here that need me more than ever and how can I give them all the attention/support that they need when I cant even focus,
Everytime I try to talk to you about this you change subject or get all cranky, so how are we able to work our problems out unless we talk about them,
Its been nearly 6 months since we have seperated, and each day that goes by I feel like its going to be a permanent thing,
I dont feel like your wife any more Daniel, I feel more like just a booty call, or jsut something for your convenience, yeah I know you work heaps and long hours, and I was in hospital for ages,
Though you hardly talk to me any more I am the one who needs to start things off with us talking or you jsut dont say any thing, as much as I hate to say this it really feels like we are drifting away from one another and the only chance we have of being together again is fading really quickly,
Are you still confused with waht you want? Do you even want us to be together?
My biggest fear is that I am going to receive divorce papers in the mail, and if that is going to happen I would like the heads up first so its not so much of shock,
There are endless times where I jsut think what is going on, and how did we let things get like this... If the only thing stopping you saying its over compleatly is the boys, and you are worried that you wont get to see them, DONT as I have told you, you can have as much or as little time with them as you like I am not going to stop you....
Once again you are prolly not going to like what I have said in here, though I jsut cant take it not knowing what is going on and how you feel
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Playing with the heart
how do you know if someone is playing with your heart? tugging on your heart strings??
How do you know if someone has a movtive behinde their actions??
I have had an awsome couple of days with Daniel here, it really felt like old times
how do i know if we will end up back together or im jsut some booty call??
He hasnt told me that he loves me is so long, maybe they are the only words that i want to hear?
Maybe if i hear those words everything will be ok again,
Have a listen to the song by kenny rodgers "buy me a rose" that song describes how i felt before daniel and i seperated, and how i feel now,
its funny how songs can explain how we are feeling more than what we can explain,
any way jsut some random writting that i needed to get off my chest
How do you know if someone has a movtive behinde their actions??
I have had an awsome couple of days with Daniel here, it really felt like old times
how do i know if we will end up back together or im jsut some booty call??
He hasnt told me that he loves me is so long, maybe they are the only words that i want to hear?
Maybe if i hear those words everything will be ok again,
Have a listen to the song by kenny rodgers "buy me a rose" that song describes how i felt before daniel and i seperated, and how i feel now,
its funny how songs can explain how we are feeling more than what we can explain,
any way jsut some random writting that i needed to get off my chest
Thursday, April 1, 2010
milk supply again
26/3 - 98ml 8 expresses
27/3 - 188ml 9 expresses ( gone up by 90ml)
28/3 - 230ml 7 expresses ( gone up by 42ml)
29/3 - 240ml 9 expresses ( gone up by 10ml)
30/3 - 275ml 9 expresses ( gone up by 35ml)
31/3 - 280ml 9 expresses ( gone up by 5ml)
1/4 - 320ml 10 expresses ( gone up by 40ml)
27/3 - 188ml 9 expresses ( gone up by 90ml)
28/3 - 230ml 7 expresses ( gone up by 42ml)
29/3 - 240ml 9 expresses ( gone up by 10ml)
30/3 - 275ml 9 expresses ( gone up by 35ml)
31/3 - 280ml 9 expresses ( gone up by 5ml)
1/4 - 320ml 10 expresses ( gone up by 40ml)
Monday, March 29, 2010
Milk Supply
YAY my milk supply is going up, i have been keeping a diary and this is what i have so far
26/3 - 98ml
27/3 - 188ml
28/3 - 230ml
29/3 - 240ml
so its slowly going up though im still not making enough to keep up with Deacans demand, so i think i might ask for the medication to bring it up, unless someone knows a natural way to increase it?
26/3 - 98ml
27/3 - 188ml
28/3 - 230ml
29/3 - 240ml
so its slowly going up though im still not making enough to keep up with Deacans demand, so i think i might ask for the medication to bring it up, unless someone knows a natural way to increase it?
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Jasons crawling
jason jsut full on crawled,
he has been moving along the floor for a while now and trying to get going though he full on done it yay so happy for my little man
A new day
Ive been thinking alot latley, about my life and where it is heading, i often wonder where i am going to be and what my life is going to have installed for me,
Jason is moving in leaps and bounds he is jsut about crawling i dont think it will be long now untill he is fully mobile, though the poor little bugger is teething again so its making night time very hard, as all he wants is to be held and so forth, i really want to be able to hold him heaps though i dont want him to be clingy... though i stillw ant him to know that mummy loves him
Deacan is doing great, just feeding sleeping and pooping lol, they havent tried to bottle feed him they are waiting until he comes out of the icolette to start,
Its coming up to Bryce's 2nd birthday as well i dont know how i am going to handle that one :( as its means that it has been 2 years since he left us and decided to be an angle and watch over us...
so manything are happening at the moment its ahrd to keep up with it all and still having time for myself, i know that must sound selfish though my head is going a million miles an hour and it would be good if it could just stop for a day...
i better get on with the house work i guess its not going to go and do itself as much as i would love it to lol
thank you for reading
Jason is moving in leaps and bounds he is jsut about crawling i dont think it will be long now untill he is fully mobile, though the poor little bugger is teething again so its making night time very hard, as all he wants is to be held and so forth, i really want to be able to hold him heaps though i dont want him to be clingy... though i stillw ant him to know that mummy loves him
Deacan is doing great, just feeding sleeping and pooping lol, they havent tried to bottle feed him they are waiting until he comes out of the icolette to start,
Its coming up to Bryce's 2nd birthday as well i dont know how i am going to handle that one :( as its means that it has been 2 years since he left us and decided to be an angle and watch over us...
so manything are happening at the moment its ahrd to keep up with it all and still having time for myself, i know that must sound selfish though my head is going a million miles an hour and it would be good if it could just stop for a day...
i better get on with the house work i guess its not going to go and do itself as much as i would love it to lol
thank you for reading
Friday, March 26, 2010
Hormones
my hormones are just raging..... im having really bad mood swings.....
all i want to do at the moemnt is cry,
i have to try and juggle my time between Jason and Deacan, i cant keep taking jason up there with me as all he wants to do is get out of the pram and move, though i cant have him doing that
its also not fair to make him sit in there either,
i want to spend more time with deacan so i can get him ready to come home,
then i have all this crap with daniel, i jsut want to knwo whats going on.... how hard can it be to say yes we are getting back together or No we are not....
i am tired as i have been getting myself up to express, i no have jason back full time again, im not sleeping well of a night... yay the joys of a single mum.... guess it never ends does it
all i want to do at the moemnt is cry,
i have to try and juggle my time between Jason and Deacan, i cant keep taking jason up there with me as all he wants to do is get out of the pram and move, though i cant have him doing that
its also not fair to make him sit in there either,
i want to spend more time with deacan so i can get him ready to come home,
then i have all this crap with daniel, i jsut want to knwo whats going on.... how hard can it be to say yes we are getting back together or No we are not....
i am tired as i have been getting myself up to express, i no have jason back full time again, im not sleeping well of a night... yay the joys of a single mum.... guess it never ends does it
Deacan Is Here
Well where to begin.... To start off with Deacan patrick James Atkinson Arrived on 23/03/10 at 3.33am, weighing 2086g 45cm long and a 33 head circumference the labour was only around 1 hour long max **active labour mind you** though i was addmited into hospital for 10 weeks prior due to TPL, When deacan was born he had he cord wrapped once around his neck and also had one knot in the umbilical cord,
The hole birth its self happend so fast, i had no chance of having anyone there with me,
Jason loves Deacan all he wants to do is play with him, i am sure that they will be very good friends growing up,
oh with the photo dont mind the date on it i forgot to set the date on my digital lol
Random Notes
Life As A Single Mum
Part 1
Well where do i start? I really thought that things between my husband and i were going alright,
though I guess I was wrong.Like sure Daniel and I had our fair share of problems though what married couple doesnt?
I know that daniel and I had been arguing for a while due to some problems
I know it didnt help that the house was always a mess, I know I should of kept it cleaner that what i did
part of the reason why I didnt is because i am lazy. and thing "whats the point keeping it clean when we hardly get visitors?"
though also I cant do to much at one time as my body really hurt, I have a bad back *to many car accidents*.
Also I have fractured my hip 3 times in the same spot over 3 years and have a problem with my knees that i have had since i
was a child some days my body hurst that bad i can only just lift Jason.
Though there are days when i do get into the house work and start cleaning up, though thats when Jason will start,
either he is really wingy and just wants the attention or he is jsut in one of those moods, then by the time i fix Jason
up i forget what i am doing, like dont get me wrong i'm [b]NOT[/b] blaming Jason at all for any of this though
just sometimes its because of him i dont get stuff done
Then there is also money problems though we never used to have them when i wored as well,
though i dont work no so we was just on the one income plus the little amount that i got off centerlink,
so we have been trying to work those out though have had no luck, So daniel stresses about that as he works a 40+
hour week he also does some overtime here and there as well, it also doesnt help that i am pregnent again,
though thats one story i dont really want to get into right now
Daniel and i have been through so much together in 2 years its not funny
We lost our first child Bryce on 23/04/08 ge was born at 23 weeks & 4 days gestation due to a placentral abrubtion
and an incompatant cervix, though at the time i didnt know that i had that problem, though by the time i made it to the
hospital it was to late they were unable to stop the labour or save Bryce.Still to this day i blame myself for it,
i know that it wasbt my fault though it was my body that couldnt hold him in, and i often wonder what would of happend
if i got to the hospital quicker would they have been able to save him? so i dont know if this guilt that i am carrying
around has contributed to all of this or not
Daniel quiet often tells me that its not my fault though can see the hurt and the pain in his eyes everytime i look
at him, also Bryce looked jsut like Daniel so everytime i look at Daneil i can see him
Daneil was so strong during the birth of Bryce also after planning his furneral and during it, he stayed strong
and held it together for me, as i was an utter mess and could stop crying or wondering why, so because of daniel doing
that he hasnt had his chance to let it out and greive, still to this day 18 months later the memories and thoughts of it
all cut deep, i have this hole in my heart that wont close so if its hurting me this much i cant imagin how daniel is feeling.
4 months after loosing bryce i feel pregnent with Jason right from the star i started having problems carrying him.
I had heavey bleedind, sever cramps and i was told at 8 weeks that i was going to misscarry due to sac seperation,
so i placed myself on stricked bed rest and 4 weeks later the sac had reconnected, at 13 weeks gestation things started
looking up as everything had stopped all until i had an ultrasound at 21 weeks to check my cervix i then found out that
i had started to go into labour..
The doctors addmitted me into hospital straight away to have an emergency stitch placed into my cervix, though at 25 weeks
and 4 days gestation Jason decided that he wasnted out, the day i went into labour i was at work, i kept getting these
niggling pains that came and gone so i wasnt sure if it was Braxton Hicks or the real deal so i gave it about 30 mins to
an hour and the got worse, so i had work call me an ambulance, my boss came with me to the hospital ad stayed with me
until Daniel got there, they tried everything to stop the labour they slowed it donw thouh didnt stop it,
7.30am the next morning they started back up again they took my stitch out at 10.30am abd u diolated 4cm straight away,
11.30pm that night Jason Beau was born,
he spent 88 days in total in the NICU and Special Care, and now he is almost 8 months old
5 months after jason was born i find out that Prengnant again with baby number 3, so i guess with everything that has
happend i can understand why Daniel isnt happy about it though as i said to Daniel this baby never asked to be made or
brought into this world, so what right do i have to take it away? and i also know that if this baby doesnt want to be
here it will either leave my body or this world when it wants.
Life has it's up's & down's my past has been full of them I have had 2 abusive partners and then the love of my life,
Life i know can be hard though it can also be great and i always live by the moto "What doesn't kill you only makes you
stronger" I remember my dad always telling me that, when ever something bad had happend.
My father would have to be my role modle, as he has pretty much been through what i am going through now,
and we both pretty much have the same views in life
See dad and i are quiet similar as we have both been left with young children to look after Dad was roughly 22 or 23
years old when him and mum first split up and he was left with a 1 1/2 year old and a 6 month old with no real help but
his mum to help raise us, And with me i am 23 years old with an 8 month old to look after and i am also 13 weeks pregnant
with no real help but from Danielle who is my mother in law.
Daniel is great like year we have our up's and down's with each other though push come to shove she is always there
for me, I owe danielle my life, because if it wasnt for her i more thant likely wouldnt be here now, as i nearly lost my
life when i delivered my first son Bryce, as i lost just under 4L of blood in 2 hours and if it wasn't for danielle
rushing me to the hospital when she did Daniel would of lost a son and a wife that day and not jsut a son
I also understand why my dad used to gt worried about me so much as i admit that i wasnt the best or easyist child to look
after as i was either in trouble or always hurting myself.
I guess i am possibly the reason my father has so many grey hairs as i am the cause of most of them the first time that
i can rememeber scaring him half to death was when i was in year 1, im sure i was 5 years old and we was living in
Devonport Tasmainia dad was in the kitchen cooking tea for Natalie and I and we were both outside playing on the
trampoline i can remember at that age all i wanted to be was an Iceskater, Im not sure if the winter olympics was on or
was just on. Though i remember taking my shoes off leaving my socks on and sliding around the metal edge i fell and
landed on the drain and broke my arm dad rushed me straight to the hospital, and didnt leave my side he stayed at the
hospital with me over night i remember the hospital would let him sleep in the hospital bed beside me jsut incase
another child needed it so they brouhg out this fold out stretcher bed and he placed in beside my bed right next to me
and thats where he slept for the night though he would always pop his head up to check on me
Dad used to always tell me as a teenager that a parent is never ment to bury their children and its ment to be the other way
around, And now after loosing Bryce i know what he ment and i truely understand
One thing that is really getting to me at the moment is that people tell me that i am lucky that i am prem babies and that i
dont go to term though i disagree how can it be lucky to have a child so early that i have to bury it? i think thats really
lucky for me, like i might be over reacting though that was the worse day of my life, having a child and for him not
to be able to live his life or see the open world, to be told by the doctors that while you are in labour that your
child does not stand a chance, yeah thats really lucky hey???? Then to have a second child early and watch him fight for his
life and watching him fighting for every breath that he takes? how is that lucky? like yeah i am LUCKY that he did survive
and that he is here with me now and i wouldnt give him up for the world though how is all this lucky? i would do anything
to be able to go to term, and then the people that tell me i am lucky turn around and bitch that their baby is giving them
hell and that they want their baby to be born any where from 30 weeks onwards and that every thing will be fine
though you know what, while Jason was in the NICU there was a 29 and a 30 weeker brought in that was not sick or anyhting
the only reason why they were in there was because they were early and both of them didnt make it, so it really doesnt matter
how early you baby is born to if they survive or not if they are born at 25 weeks or 35 weeks if figure it all depends
on their willingness to fight for their life, and as sad as it is some times the fight jstu gets to hard for them
and it breaks my heart to see little babies there fighting for their lives, and also for the mums and dads as its not something
thats easy to go through
though yeah i am lucky arent i? sorry it jsut makes me so angry, like yeah i am proberly over reacting and al or took what
are saying the wrong way though they dont clarify what they are saying,
If i went back 3 or 4 years ago i would of never thought my life would be like it is now, though you know what i would change
what i have got now for the world yeah my life might not be the best i might not have the most flashy things a person
could own though what i have is mine, i have a little boy watching over me, i have a gorges little boy that fought
so hard to be here, i married the love of my life, even though we are seperated now i still wouldnt of changed a thing,
if i could go back in time i would of still married him and give me the chance i would do it all over again
I addmit i have not really had the best past in the world, though what i ahve been through makes me the person i am now
i have had my fair share of up and downs and things you wouldnt even tell your grand mother about, though they were
all my own choices, i had a bad stint of booze, drugs and one night stands after one night stands,
i remember that i would get that high on either valium or E's then get myself tanked full of booze, some nights
i would wake up and not no where i was, im not saying there is any excuses for what i have done or that what i have
done is right, though it took a massive wake up call to get me out of the life i was living, im guessing that if i
kept going the way i was i wouldnt of had Bryce,Jason nor little pumpkin i am pregnent with now, i wouldnt of married the love
of my life either, though im not also one of those people who say i have been there and done that, though i have done a bit in
my past, i always try and give advise,help and support when ever i can and to who ever wants it, some time people might not
like what i have to say though i am not going to give them the wrong advice or lie to them, i am straight to the point
and honest about it all i have nothing to hide, and if i can help some other person whether they are a child, teenager or
a grown adult i am going to try
I now realise jsut how hard it is to be a single mum, i really thought that i would be alright with it as i really throught
i was already acting like a single mum when i was with daniel, though the truth is being a single mum is a 24/7 job
at least with a job you work from 9 to 5 then get to go home and do what ever, though with kids its never ending not even
they are in bed, you still hav to keep an ear out for them to make sure they are ok, also when they wake up in the middle of
the night you need to get up,
my hat goes off to ALL single mums out there as i now know its not as easy as it looks
Its been 19 1/2 months now since my son was taken away from me, still not a day goes by that i dont think about him
or think about how life could of been, or what he would look like, i still get teary eyed now and again about him
though i do know that he is watching over me and i know that he would want me to be happy,
So i am now 27 weeks and 4 day pregnent with Deacan and i have now been stuck in hospital now for 6 weeks cos little deacan
decided that he wanted to be born at 22 weeks gestation, the doctors stop the labour of course though they have been telling
me that its going to be any day now though 6 weeks later he is still here, i went into labour last saturday i was contracting
really badly they let me labour for 2 hours, though i had not started to diolate at that stage, though mind you i still had
1cm of cervix that had to shorten first before i would of started to diolate, so then they decided to stop it,it took 3 hours
after that for the contractions to slow down and stop so it worked
so now little deacan in fully head down and engaged, and it hurts, as his head is that far down into my hips and pelvis
it isnt funny though i am greatful that he is still inside baking away and getting stronger each day
though i am just over the pain, and i hate taking so many pain killers, as i could only imagin how much of it deacan is
getting through him,
Part 1
Well where do i start? I really thought that things between my husband and i were going alright,
though I guess I was wrong.Like sure Daniel and I had our fair share of problems though what married couple doesnt?
I know that daniel and I had been arguing for a while due to some problems
I know it didnt help that the house was always a mess, I know I should of kept it cleaner that what i did
part of the reason why I didnt is because i am lazy. and thing "whats the point keeping it clean when we hardly get visitors?"
though also I cant do to much at one time as my body really hurt, I have a bad back *to many car accidents*.
Also I have fractured my hip 3 times in the same spot over 3 years and have a problem with my knees that i have had since i
was a child some days my body hurst that bad i can only just lift Jason.
Though there are days when i do get into the house work and start cleaning up, though thats when Jason will start,
either he is really wingy and just wants the attention or he is jsut in one of those moods, then by the time i fix Jason
up i forget what i am doing, like dont get me wrong i'm [b]NOT[/b] blaming Jason at all for any of this though
just sometimes its because of him i dont get stuff done
Then there is also money problems though we never used to have them when i wored as well,
though i dont work no so we was just on the one income plus the little amount that i got off centerlink,
so we have been trying to work those out though have had no luck, So daniel stresses about that as he works a 40+
hour week he also does some overtime here and there as well, it also doesnt help that i am pregnent again,
though thats one story i dont really want to get into right now
Daniel and i have been through so much together in 2 years its not funny
We lost our first child Bryce on 23/04/08 ge was born at 23 weeks & 4 days gestation due to a placentral abrubtion
and an incompatant cervix, though at the time i didnt know that i had that problem, though by the time i made it to the
hospital it was to late they were unable to stop the labour or save Bryce.Still to this day i blame myself for it,
i know that it wasbt my fault though it was my body that couldnt hold him in, and i often wonder what would of happend
if i got to the hospital quicker would they have been able to save him? so i dont know if this guilt that i am carrying
around has contributed to all of this or not
Daniel quiet often tells me that its not my fault though can see the hurt and the pain in his eyes everytime i look
at him, also Bryce looked jsut like Daniel so everytime i look at Daneil i can see him
Daneil was so strong during the birth of Bryce also after planning his furneral and during it, he stayed strong
and held it together for me, as i was an utter mess and could stop crying or wondering why, so because of daniel doing
that he hasnt had his chance to let it out and greive, still to this day 18 months later the memories and thoughts of it
all cut deep, i have this hole in my heart that wont close so if its hurting me this much i cant imagin how daniel is feeling.
4 months after loosing bryce i feel pregnent with Jason right from the star i started having problems carrying him.
I had heavey bleedind, sever cramps and i was told at 8 weeks that i was going to misscarry due to sac seperation,
so i placed myself on stricked bed rest and 4 weeks later the sac had reconnected, at 13 weeks gestation things started
looking up as everything had stopped all until i had an ultrasound at 21 weeks to check my cervix i then found out that
i had started to go into labour..
The doctors addmitted me into hospital straight away to have an emergency stitch placed into my cervix, though at 25 weeks
and 4 days gestation Jason decided that he wasnted out, the day i went into labour i was at work, i kept getting these
niggling pains that came and gone so i wasnt sure if it was Braxton Hicks or the real deal so i gave it about 30 mins to
an hour and the got worse, so i had work call me an ambulance, my boss came with me to the hospital ad stayed with me
until Daniel got there, they tried everything to stop the labour they slowed it donw thouh didnt stop it,
7.30am the next morning they started back up again they took my stitch out at 10.30am abd u diolated 4cm straight away,
11.30pm that night Jason Beau was born,
he spent 88 days in total in the NICU and Special Care, and now he is almost 8 months old
5 months after jason was born i find out that Prengnant again with baby number 3, so i guess with everything that has
happend i can understand why Daniel isnt happy about it though as i said to Daniel this baby never asked to be made or
brought into this world, so what right do i have to take it away? and i also know that if this baby doesnt want to be
here it will either leave my body or this world when it wants.
Life has it's up's & down's my past has been full of them I have had 2 abusive partners and then the love of my life,
Life i know can be hard though it can also be great and i always live by the moto "What doesn't kill you only makes you
stronger" I remember my dad always telling me that, when ever something bad had happend.
My father would have to be my role modle, as he has pretty much been through what i am going through now,
and we both pretty much have the same views in life
See dad and i are quiet similar as we have both been left with young children to look after Dad was roughly 22 or 23
years old when him and mum first split up and he was left with a 1 1/2 year old and a 6 month old with no real help but
his mum to help raise us, And with me i am 23 years old with an 8 month old to look after and i am also 13 weeks pregnant
with no real help but from Danielle who is my mother in law.
Daniel is great like year we have our up's and down's with each other though push come to shove she is always there
for me, I owe danielle my life, because if it wasnt for her i more thant likely wouldnt be here now, as i nearly lost my
life when i delivered my first son Bryce, as i lost just under 4L of blood in 2 hours and if it wasn't for danielle
rushing me to the hospital when she did Daniel would of lost a son and a wife that day and not jsut a son
I also understand why my dad used to gt worried about me so much as i admit that i wasnt the best or easyist child to look
after as i was either in trouble or always hurting myself.
I guess i am possibly the reason my father has so many grey hairs as i am the cause of most of them the first time that
i can rememeber scaring him half to death was when i was in year 1, im sure i was 5 years old and we was living in
Devonport Tasmainia dad was in the kitchen cooking tea for Natalie and I and we were both outside playing on the
trampoline i can remember at that age all i wanted to be was an Iceskater, Im not sure if the winter olympics was on or
was just on. Though i remember taking my shoes off leaving my socks on and sliding around the metal edge i fell and
landed on the drain and broke my arm dad rushed me straight to the hospital, and didnt leave my side he stayed at the
hospital with me over night i remember the hospital would let him sleep in the hospital bed beside me jsut incase
another child needed it so they brouhg out this fold out stretcher bed and he placed in beside my bed right next to me
and thats where he slept for the night though he would always pop his head up to check on me
Dad used to always tell me as a teenager that a parent is never ment to bury their children and its ment to be the other way
around, And now after loosing Bryce i know what he ment and i truely understand
One thing that is really getting to me at the moment is that people tell me that i am lucky that i am prem babies and that i
dont go to term though i disagree how can it be lucky to have a child so early that i have to bury it? i think thats really
lucky for me, like i might be over reacting though that was the worse day of my life, having a child and for him not
to be able to live his life or see the open world, to be told by the doctors that while you are in labour that your
child does not stand a chance, yeah thats really lucky hey???? Then to have a second child early and watch him fight for his
life and watching him fighting for every breath that he takes? how is that lucky? like yeah i am LUCKY that he did survive
and that he is here with me now and i wouldnt give him up for the world though how is all this lucky? i would do anything
to be able to go to term, and then the people that tell me i am lucky turn around and bitch that their baby is giving them
hell and that they want their baby to be born any where from 30 weeks onwards and that every thing will be fine
though you know what, while Jason was in the NICU there was a 29 and a 30 weeker brought in that was not sick or anyhting
the only reason why they were in there was because they were early and both of them didnt make it, so it really doesnt matter
how early you baby is born to if they survive or not if they are born at 25 weeks or 35 weeks if figure it all depends
on their willingness to fight for their life, and as sad as it is some times the fight jstu gets to hard for them
and it breaks my heart to see little babies there fighting for their lives, and also for the mums and dads as its not something
thats easy to go through
though yeah i am lucky arent i? sorry it jsut makes me so angry, like yeah i am proberly over reacting and al or took what
are saying the wrong way though they dont clarify what they are saying,
If i went back 3 or 4 years ago i would of never thought my life would be like it is now, though you know what i would change
what i have got now for the world yeah my life might not be the best i might not have the most flashy things a person
could own though what i have is mine, i have a little boy watching over me, i have a gorges little boy that fought
so hard to be here, i married the love of my life, even though we are seperated now i still wouldnt of changed a thing,
if i could go back in time i would of still married him and give me the chance i would do it all over again
I addmit i have not really had the best past in the world, though what i ahve been through makes me the person i am now
i have had my fair share of up and downs and things you wouldnt even tell your grand mother about, though they were
all my own choices, i had a bad stint of booze, drugs and one night stands after one night stands,
i remember that i would get that high on either valium or E's then get myself tanked full of booze, some nights
i would wake up and not no where i was, im not saying there is any excuses for what i have done or that what i have
done is right, though it took a massive wake up call to get me out of the life i was living, im guessing that if i
kept going the way i was i wouldnt of had Bryce,Jason nor little pumpkin i am pregnent with now, i wouldnt of married the love
of my life either, though im not also one of those people who say i have been there and done that, though i have done a bit in
my past, i always try and give advise,help and support when ever i can and to who ever wants it, some time people might not
like what i have to say though i am not going to give them the wrong advice or lie to them, i am straight to the point
and honest about it all i have nothing to hide, and if i can help some other person whether they are a child, teenager or
a grown adult i am going to try
I now realise jsut how hard it is to be a single mum, i really thought that i would be alright with it as i really throught
i was already acting like a single mum when i was with daniel, though the truth is being a single mum is a 24/7 job
at least with a job you work from 9 to 5 then get to go home and do what ever, though with kids its never ending not even
they are in bed, you still hav to keep an ear out for them to make sure they are ok, also when they wake up in the middle of
the night you need to get up,
my hat goes off to ALL single mums out there as i now know its not as easy as it looks
Its been 19 1/2 months now since my son was taken away from me, still not a day goes by that i dont think about him
or think about how life could of been, or what he would look like, i still get teary eyed now and again about him
though i do know that he is watching over me and i know that he would want me to be happy,
So i am now 27 weeks and 4 day pregnent with Deacan and i have now been stuck in hospital now for 6 weeks cos little deacan
decided that he wanted to be born at 22 weeks gestation, the doctors stop the labour of course though they have been telling
me that its going to be any day now though 6 weeks later he is still here, i went into labour last saturday i was contracting
really badly they let me labour for 2 hours, though i had not started to diolate at that stage, though mind you i still had
1cm of cervix that had to shorten first before i would of started to diolate, so then they decided to stop it,it took 3 hours
after that for the contractions to slow down and stop so it worked
so now little deacan in fully head down and engaged, and it hurts, as his head is that far down into my hips and pelvis
it isnt funny though i am greatful that he is still inside baking away and getting stronger each day
though i am just over the pain, and i hate taking so many pain killers, as i could only imagin how much of it deacan is
getting through him,
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